


The Steady Crushing of the Soul

by Taste_of_Suburbia



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Communication Failure, Depression, Eavesdropping, Emotional Constipation, Established Relationship, Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Loss of Trust, M/M, Past Gabriel/Kali (Supernatural), Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suspected Cheating, Trust Issues, learning to love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 07:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3842236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taste_of_Suburbia/pseuds/Taste_of_Suburbia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He sees how close Gabriel is to his brother, touching him, comforting him in a way that Dean so desperately needs. That Dean hasn't been getting for a long while now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Steady Crushing of the Soul

**Author's Note:**

> This is early Season 5 AU. 
> 
> Soundtrack: Smile Empty Soul’s ‘False Alarm.’

_~Glass shard sticking out of my heart_

_Now the summer has subsided for the rain~_

* * *

 

Dean isn’t usually one to eavesdrop, preferring to just barge in on whoever’s talking and demand what’s going on. Gabriel’s been distant lately though, like he needs space which Dean thought he had already given him plenty of, so when he hears voices in the other room he presses his ear to the door and listens. Gabriel rarely talks directly to him, just jabbers on about this or that, effectively ending the uncomfortable silence Dean always finds himself in as of late.

There’s the ‘hey, hot stuff’ whenever he walks into a room, which has seemed more strained in the past week or so. Then there’s the way that Gabriel looks at him intently and then looks away repeatedly while he’s buried deep within Dean, as if he wants to do something but can’t even dare to ask.

Dean least likes that Gabriel’s half touches are only just that, a quick brush of his arm or the archangel blowing him a highly dramatized kiss. As if that’s all their relationship is: staged, an act for someone’s benefit. Just something to do while you’re bored.

Gabriel isn’t Dean’s response to being bored. Come to think of it though, Dean still doesn’t quite know what Gabriel is to him.

He doesn’t know if he wants to either.

Dean does a double take as he quickly realizes that he’s listening to both Gabriel and his brother, who has also been giving Dean space lately. Between the whole downing demon blood without Dean’s initial approval or opening the last seal and successfully kick starting the apocalypse, Dean doesn’t know which Sam feels more guilty about. He knows they both need time though, especially Dean.

He wanted to trust Sam when he came back from hell and he shouldn’t have, and Sam’s got a lot to do to make up for that loss of trust.

In the span of several minutes Sam tells Gabriel that he’s losing it, that he's afraid Dean will never trust him again and that he doesn’t know how long it’ll be until he relapses and drinks demon blood again. Dean sighs softly, wishing that Sam would have told him these things himself instead of running off and grabbing Gabriel’s attention. He knew Sam was on edge but he didn't know it was this bad. Dean can hear his brother’s quiet sobs through the door, and he pushes open the barrier between them slightly so he can actually watch what’s happening. 

That’s when he sees how close Gabriel is to his brother. Gabriel’s hand on his brother's and the other resting on Sam’s shoulder, a slight rustle in the air and Sam leaning back into what must be Gabriel's wings.

Gabriel’s _wings_ , which he has never comforted Dean with because he has never brought them out when Dean’s around.

Gabriel’s _hands_ , how gently they hold Sam in a way that Dean has never experienced. Gabriel’s _lips_ , settling gently on Sam's forehead in a way that Dean knows he will never feel. Gabriel is always _rough_ skin and _hard_ edges with Dean, a quick five-minute blow job and sliding out of Dean almost as quickly as he slid in, as if the experience was more jarring than pleasurable. Gabriel, who has never pulled a blanket over Dean post-sex like he's pulling a blanket over Sam now.

Gabriel, who honestly doesn’t love him as much as Dean thought.

He starts to pull the door shut when Gabriel’s head snaps up and his eyes lock with his own. He doesn’t stick around to see if there’s anything in them, Dean doesn’t really care at this point. He turns around and leaves the room and doesn’t look back. Like always Gabriel doesn’t follow him, as if showing that one ounce of humanity to Dean would be pitiful, but surprisingly Gabriel doesn’t pop up in the Impala later on either. Dean nearly sobs at that fact alone.

Before all of this Gabriel - being the chatterbox - told him everything and anything. Now it’s like there’s nothing worth much of anything between them. It isn’t like Gabriel to keep things from Dean, despite their distance he tells the hunter _everything._ Rather than try to hide something from Dean, it’d be more like Gabriel to flaunt it even more openly than he did when he purposely let Dean walk in on him and his brother.

Dean supposes it really is over now.

* * *

 

He doesn’t remember drinking himself to numbness, if that’s what you’d call it. He doesn’t remember crawling into the backseat of his baby and falling asleep either, but when he’s awake and coherent again he sees the two empty bottles of whiskey on the carpet. Dean rubs his eyes tiredly and focuses on not upchucking all over his baby’s seats. If the time on his watch is correct then it’s three am and he’s been passed out for over four hours. He’s parked out in some field in the middle of nowhere, under the glaring, mocking stars.

Dean’s never felt so low and cheated in his entire life. He should never have expected anything good from Gabriel.

Especially not when Gabriel was giving it to him.

Time to start driving again. He’ll drive until being sober starts getting to him again and then he’ll find a room and get numb again. But for now he’ll drive to fuck knows where as long as he can get as far away from his brother as possible. Hiding from Gabriel is an impossibility; if the archangel wants to find him and taunt him some more, then he’ll do just that and Dean has no say in the matter.

Before he leaves the backseat, he checks the messages on his phone and sees that Sam has called him twenty two times and texted him double that. He opens up the latest message.

_Dean u gotta call me back man. Dont know if ur lying in a ditch somewhere. Please bro. Not what u think._

Sam, who has never abbreviated words before even though it’s just texting and any idiot can get the meaning. He must have typed them in a hurry, maybe because Gabriel was in the process of tearing his brother’s clothes off and _oh god_ , Dean can’t think about this right now. 

As if Sam would care if he was lying in a freaking ditch. He’s taken everything from him. _And you know what_ , Dean thinks. _He can have it all. He can have_ him.

Dean deletes that text and all the others, reading them won’t help his mood anyway, and he _knows_ he can’t stand to hear his brother’s voice either. He doesn’t need any of Sam’s apologies. Really, if Sam wants Gabriel then he can have him. The two deserve each other after all, sneaking around behind Dean’s back, Sam needing a shoulder to cry on and someone he can steal away from his brother and love. Someone who _clearly_ loves him back. It makes a whole helluva lotta sense now, Dean realizes miserably.

Dean always thought Gabriel wanted Sam all along anyway, until Gabriel expressed an interest in him, stringing Dean along like a puppet on his perverse string.

Go ahead and laugh. Dean deserves it.

* * *

 

It’s day two now and Dean’s head is constantly throbbing. His brain feels like a puddle of mush and he can’t think straight even if his life depended on it. He drives until he can’t anymore and then pulls over, holds his head in his hands and wills the pain away. There’s so much of it, too much hurt and betrayal that it’s turning Dean inside out. He hates himself but he hates Gabriel too, for not seeing it sooner. For not being what Gabriel needed.

His eyes are shut against the sunlight streaming in through the dashboard and his hands are clenched tightly against his forehead and it’s not surprising that Dean can’t breathe, that he hadn’t gotten any sleep last night, that Dean’s so lost without Gabriel that he could scream but he won’t. Won’t give the bastard the satisfaction.

It seems that the farther he drives away, the more he thinks about Gabriel.

And then he’s there, pulling Dean out of the car, waiting for Dean to find his feet again and then leaning him up against the side of the Impala. Dean squints in the harsh sunlight, which is making his head explode and his vision dance in a thousand pinpoints of fiery light. Gabriel presses a cool palm to his forehead, which reminds Dean strongly of Castiel, and suddenly the pain is gone and he isn’t swimming and choking and failing to keep his head above the surface anymore, and Dean can _breathe_ again. Although, he’d almost rather deal with all that than have Gabriel here, staring him down like Dean’s his next meal.

Now he’s gonna jump back to Dean again. Asshole.

Why don't they just cut to the chase? “You wanna be with him then that's fine,” Dean chokes out, still trying to catch his breath in light of his strained throat. “But I wish you had told me first, Gabe.”

Gabriel is fuming - even more so than Dean is, which doesn’t make much sense - but he also looks pretty hurt too. Dean feels like he should be the only one hurt by all this, considering how Gabriel had betrayed him and not the other way around. Dean has never once crossed boundaries with Cas, even despite their profound bond and the genuine feelings Dean does have for the angel, but feelings that could never be as strong as the ones he had developed for Gabriel. 

He never thought Gabriel was the gentle and sympathetic type, now Dean realizes that he is but that he just can't be that for Dean.

Dean had been right, all his suspicions, all his doubts. There’s no saturnine look on Gabriel’s face because Gabriel isn’t losing anything. Not when he has Sam warming up a bed for him to go back to. No, Dean is the only one losing something here.

“You gonna tell me to come back? Tell me that I’m upsetting Sam?”

Gabriel looks at him dead-on, no life in his eyes. The lack of emotion startles Dean, who doesn’t understand how or exactly when the two of them split apart so fast, without any prior warning. Or maybe there had been a lot of warning signs and Dean just had his head up his ass the entire length of their relationship. Sure, Dean had been simmering in his own juices for quite a while now, boiling over Gabriel’s disappearances and the lack of desire to spend more than a few minutes of quality time with Dean. Quality time other than staring at Dean’s ass but then doing nothing about it, or other than generously making sure they both come but then bolting.

He figured that it was just Gabriel at first, but now Dean’s starting to see something wrong with himself, _in_ himself. 

“I’m not gonna tell you a damn thing, kiddo. Know you too well for that.”

“No.” Dean chuckles bitterly and turns away, almost chokes on the hard lump forming in his throat. “You don't know me at all. It’s cause you don't want to.” That’s been obvious for so long now that it’s a wonder Dean has never fully realized it before this point.

Gabriel’s hands are gripping his waist, hands that don't dig in tight enough because the thing they hold onto isn't worth anything at all. Gabriel just wants to get his two cents in and that’s fine. Then he can leave, Dean figures.

And then Gabriel looks up at him, big amber eyes and fury tightening his mouth into one sharp line. His grip on Dean doesn’t get any tighter. Usually it’s so tight that Dean can’t breathe right, too tight that he sees stars, giving Gabriel the perfect amount of time to disappear. Like Dean said, Gabriel doesn’t give a damn about him anymore, maybe never did and it was all just a ruse, just some prolonged game he was playing on the road to something better, and it’s so much more worse than Gabriel’s hands around his throat ages ago, threatening him.

“Don’t you ever, _ever_ try to get inside my head and tell me what I’m feeling and not feeling. You are human, frail and tragic, and you think you’re broken but you’re not. Not to me. Your thoughts and feelings are so loud I have to block them out every time I tune into that head of yours. But I’ll tell you one thing, kiddo, no matter what you’re feeling it fills up the void in me and leaves me sated. When you’re hurting I don’t know what to do, you push me away. When you’re happy I can’t pinpoint the cause, being that it’s so simple it can’t be real, and there’s nothing left for me to do. I feel _lost_ then, Dean. I never empty myself in you and I disappear afterward because I thought that’s what you wanted. You don’t like emotional attachments, Dean, and far be it from me to leave you feeling raw and vulnerable. You cried the first time we did it, after all.”

The hole in Dean expands in an instant into this massive, gaping maw. “You son of a bitch. Don’t you dare bring that up! You left me, you dick. It turned you off. It showed you what I really was. After that it just got worse. I had all this in me to give to someone, but you never wanted it.”

“It scared me, Dean.” His thumb brushes away imaginary tears on Dean’s cheek. “I didn’t think you could have that much love for me. I didn’t want your forgiveness and I still don’t, because honestly I’m baffled at its existence.” Dean sniffles but Gabriel doesn’t stop, wiping away real tears now. “I hate it when you cry. I want to destroy everything in sight. And I waited until you were ready, but you never gave me a sign.”

“I couldn’t!” Dean rages because Jesus Christ, it's not like he can stop now. “I can’t tell you what I want, Gabe. I’m not that kind of person. I can’t just ask an archangel for something in that... department. Look, I get why you turned to Sam. Honestly, anybody’s better than me.”

Gabriel’s eyes turn furious then, hard amber melting into molten gold that sets Dean’s skin alight as assertively as how hard Dean gets when Gabriel strips and crawls on top of him before proceeding to fuck him senseless. Dean kicks that image out of his head, it doesn’t belong there now. “I didn't turn to Sam!” The archangel’s voice is thick and desperate now. “I was comforting him, he was upset.”

“Because of me.”

But that had absolutely nothing to do with Gabriel. He should have been with Dean, should have been lounging out in his favorite armchair, completely oblivious to all their problems.

“No, Dean. He loves you. He's worried that you hate him. He's more upset with himself than anything else.” Gabriel sighs and lets go of him; somehow, that’s a lot worse than Gabriel pushing him slightly back into the Impala, and Dean’s face crumbles at the loss. Gabriel sees this and gets back into Dean’s personal space, hands wrapped around Dean’s waist again, fingers digging into the soft skin there desperately and Dean jumps, hands gripping Gabriel as well. The archangel leans in close, smiling in amusement, as if this is all some sort of joke that he set up to get Dean to unwind and look like a fool.

“You want me to be gentle with you?” Dean shakes his head because no way in hell is he admitting to that. “I'll take that as a yes then.” Gabriel smiles, softer this time, nose brushing against Dean’s, so close in a way that he's never been before. They’ve only brushed the surface of their relationship, Dean is now slowly realizing. “I love you, Dean. I’m not the cheating type because I know what I want and once I take it then it’s forever. There are no take-backs. You should know that about me. When I tell you I love you then I can never revoke that love and give it to someone else.”

“Kali,” Dean murmurs, heart sinking, knowing he’s winning the battle and wanting to be wrong just this once. “Your other escapades.”

Gabriel’s fingers brush against his cheek, so intimate. “Not while I’m with you.” Dean breathes out, so at peace, safe now that Gabriel’s holding him together so he won’t break anymore. He closes his eyes and relaxes, senses settling down until all he can feel are the pads of Gabriel’s fingers massaging his stomach. “None of them were serious. Just flings, a brief stint on the way to better things. Kali threw my love back in my face, but yes, I’ll always have that same old soft spot for her. There ain’t nothing like your first love, kiddo.”

Dean can't think about that now, about his first love. Not with Gabriel here. He'd tell Gabriel to take him now, right in the backseat of the Impala, but he’s tired and he doesn't want to be here anymore. He wants to curl up in a nice soft bed and have Gabriel eat food off him, like he did the first time. “Take me home?”

Gabriel’s brow furrows. “Sam?”

Dean opens his eyes and blinks hard. He sure as hell isn’t up for seeing Sam, doesn’t want to see the look of pity on his face and the guilt in his eyes. Sam has nothing to feel guilty about, he just needed someone and Dean wasn’t _there._ He should have been there. Being angry at Sam isn’t something that comes naturally to him, and he’s counting off the days on his fingers until the anger subsides and they can go back to being brothers again. Dean thought Sam had been okay with it, considering it was like Dean didn’t even exist when he went off to Stanford, but Sam obviously hasn’t been okay with it at all, and Dean knows he needs to change that in the near future but definitely not now.

“Not now. Tomorrow. Promise.”

Gabriel grins at Dean’s almost whine, but then he looks sad and Dean knows he _more_ than understands. “You never need to make promises to me, Dean-o. I’m yours, and you’re mine. The only one I want to be mine.”

Dean distracts himself from the relieved sob that wants to come out. “So no second thoughts then?” His voice gets sucked away as Gabriel transports them to a suite, but he knows the archangel is listening to every word. “No going back to Sam?”

Gabriel tucks him into bed, taking such a long time that Dean almost starts to complain. Then he tells himself to shut up and enjoy it. Rarely ever has Dean seen the archangel take his time with anything, especially not with _him_.

“Nope.” There’s a hand cupping the back of his neck, pulling Dean closer for a kiss. Dean throws himself into it wholeheartedly, trying to get closer, trying to pull Gabriel down on top of him and not really succeeding. _Damn angels who don’t let you manhandle them._ Gabriel chuckles. “You’re stuck with me, Winchester. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health and all that other sappy stuff. Sweet tooth, cute ass and all. Hell, I’ll even buy you a ring.”

He ignores the ring part because everything’s moving too fast. Since when did Gabriel want to get married?

Dean snorts, “Who said your ass is cute?”

Gabriel doesn’t even bother to look offended. “Oh, I know my ass is cute.” Dean would normally go on from there, but he knows whatever he comes up with will fall short. Distractions. It’s so easy to fall into them with Gabriel. So easy to disguise the truth.

“I think I need more convincing, Gabe.” The archangel looks at him promiscuously and Dean’s eyes widen. “No, not your ass. On the whole not banging both Winchester brothers thing.”

Gabriel frowns. “Guess my word isn’t enough, huh? Well, then I guess I’ll have to remedy that.” Gabriel climbs in beside him, dragging Dean’s head down until it rests on his chest. “I can feed you some pie, then we can play some sappy music and have slow, sweet sex in bed. After that we can cuddle until you fall asleep in my arms and morning comes and we can do it all over again. That sound good?”

Dean swallows, chewing on his bottom lip. “Can we maybe skip ahead to the cuddling?”

He hears a slight whoosh of air, and then Dean can feel Gabriel’s downy wings wrapping around him. “Thought you'd never ask.”

**FIN**


End file.
